A letter

May 13, 2011

A couple of years back, I watched 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich which was described as “sheer, cynical, mind-numbing, time-wasting, money-draining, soul-sucking stupidity”. The premise is that the world is ending and the only people who will be saved are those who are privileged enough to get tickets to an ark of salvation. It inspired me to write this equally crappy piece. All I did was close my eyes and imagine I was your run-of-the mill neta.

Dear Sir,

I am a common man. I don’t have billions of euros or a perfect genetic structure or an IQ of 200. I am not even a rare endangered two-toed sloth, though my people sometimes accuse me of acting like one. I want a place on that ark of yours.  If you will spare me five minutes of your time, I will forever be indebted to you. With you blessings, I will launch into a description of myself.

My name is ******. I am 71 years old. I live in India. I am moderately bright. I must be, to have been able to uncover your top secret plan. I suffer from partial deafness and cannot see anything further than 3 meters away. My parents are dead, may their souls rest in peace, and I am alone in this world. I am restricted to a wheelchair due to an unfortunate accident in my youth.

I know that I am not making a strong case for myself. I will hence try to sell myself to you till you accept me. Ever since I could read, great leaders have told me that I was the future of the nation. That I would shape how the world moved. That the entire nation would move in accordance with my interests. At some point I realized how bogus all this was. I learnt that no single individual is of any significance, and the only people with any power were those who could move large masses of people in any direction they wished.

When I was 20, I joined the cadre of a local political party. Unlike your country, (I happen to know that your esteemed self hails from the United States of America) my nation has vast multitudes of political parties. In fact, I suspect we have more parties than several small countries have citizens. I was energetic and passionate and wanted to improve the lot of my people. My mentor, bless his soul, was a wise man and marshaled his resources cunningly. I was sent to several villages to gather the support for our movement. I was arrested for inciting rebellion.

While I was cooling my heels in prison, I realized that I could use my charisma in other ways. Once I got out of jail, I used my mentor’s contacts to get me a starring role in a movie. Of course, neither am I by any means a good actor, nor am I great-looking, but all that counts for naught in my country. I grabbed the hearts of the fair maidens of the country and the admiration of the strong men. Unfortunately, a casual dalliance with a co-star of mine who turned out be a gangster’s moll in real life (and not only in the movie) and the succeeding retribution left me in the unfortunate state I am in now.

I took this as an opportunity, and riding on a massive sympathy wave, competed in and overwhelmingly won the elections the following year. Back into my home ground of politics, I ruled for 35 years in the state I was born in. In the process, I have been accused many times of corruption, nepotism and blackmail, but I quashed these accusaitions through clever politicking and judicious use of force.

I put forward that your new world needs me. After you build the new country for the survivors, you need a government. I believe that I could be the face of this government. Surely, you lot are rolling on the floor laughing now. But pause a minute to consider. What is the main purpose of a country, a government? Do you think its administration? Or legislation? Or could it be reforms?

Wrong. It is to unite the people. If  a country like yours with a mere 300 million people (no offence meant sir) can be split into two highly polarized groups, imagine the state in my country with more than a billion people and hundreds of castes and languages. How about just my state with 65 million and 50 different castes? How do you think I keep them unified? By playing the universal bad guy. Everyone hates me, hence they are united.

I can offer you the same services. I will be the shadowy figure or the bungling clown, whichever you will have me be. I will be the galvanizing force for your ragtag assortment of survivors. I will play the villain to the hilt. I will take on this thankless job for the price of a ticket to salvation. Please think about it. It really isn’t a bad bargain. I would take it.

Hoping this will find you in good health,

Baloo Prasad Jhadav, M.L.A.

More than just a fancy name

September 29, 2010

As anyone with patience enough to follow this blog has come to understand, I cannot be bothered to be regular about writing. Yet once in a while I come across something so daft, I just cannot ignore it.

This time, the ranter in me has been aroused by Porsche. I have never been a great fan of Porsche cars. I have never liked their shape, which has remained the same for 40 years now and looks like a tail-heavy rat. I don’t like the golf-club nature of the people who own them. I don’t like the fact that the engine, like in an auto-rickshaw, is in the back, which is just wrong. But I do respect the fact that their cars are the last word in engineering excellence. I can understand why a man would part with a hundred thousand dollars for a Porsche car.

While enjoying a spot of mall-browsing the other day though, I saw an ad for Porsche sunglasses. This left me catatonic with rage. If you think about it, it means that Porsche is trying to be condescending towards us plebes who cannot afford their cars.  It’s a marketing gimmick, trying to capitalize on all that Porsche stands for.

I mean, what do Porsche sunglasses stand for anyway? If I had to hazard a guess, they would be catastrophically ugly, look like they came out of the ‘70s, be bought exclusively by golf-course bores and have the lenses on backwards. And it’s not like they’re cheap. On the contrary, they cost several hundreds of dollars. That puts them in direct competition with proper eyewear manufacturers like Ray-Ban and proper fashion houses like Gucci.

Now listen, Porsche. Ray-Ban hires as many people to design eyewear as you do to design your cars. And I dare say you hire as many people to design eyewear as Ray-Ban does to design cars, i.e. none. They stake their entire business on the sales of their sunglasses. You simply pimp eyewear as a gimmick to promote your cars. Why would any midway sensible person with marginally more than a peanut for a brain buy your sunglasses?

And if it is promoting your cars that you’re after, then you are woefully mistaken there too. A man with a Porsche car would never buy Porsche sunglasses. And people who aspire to Porsche sunglasses could never afford a Porsche car.

It’s the same with Ferrari perfumes, and Harley Davidson T-shirts and whatnot. Look, Porsche, Ferrari, Harley, you are all superb brands that evoke a lot of emotional response. But you aren’t Ray-Ban or Givenchy or Ralph Lauren. If you intend to diversify into making quality apparel or fragrances, that’s your choice. But for god’s sake, don’t load us with your half-assed perfumes so that customers “feel like we’ve bought a Ferrari”. Because we don’t. We’ve just bought some perfume. And if we’ve bought yours, then we’ve bought some inferior stuff.

But you know what? There will be a queue of monumental idiots, who just don’t realize what a clod they look in their Harley leather jackets, lining up all the way out of the stores’ doors and into the street for “the Porsche lifestyle”, and “a taste of the Ferrari experience”. And the Porsches of the world will be laughing their way to the bank. It makes me sick.

On laziness and morning hunger

December 5, 2009

I am a great proponent of laziness. A master procrastinator, I always choose the shortest, easiest path. And I appreciate it when people display creative indolence, like my friend did the other day when he discussed with me the possibility of an MCQ blog.

But if there is one thing more precious than time for snoozing or chatting or whatnot, its money. Money is the great overriding secret for all happiness. It can buy you fame, friends, girls, cars… whatever. I really don’t understand people who cant work to earn money.

Which brings me to the point of this post. Its 10.45 in the morning. I’ve been awake for nearly an hour now, and I haven’t eaten anything. Why? Because my usual haunts are all yet to open. No Coffee Day, no Kamal-da, no Night Canteen, nothing. For some reason, shop owners in IIM-Calcutta haven’t realized the need for an alternative to the mess for breakfast, at least on weekends. I mean, this is IIM, the best b-school in all of India! For god’s sake, dudes, get your asses off your comfy beds and earn some money! Show me some entrepreneurial spirit!

Professor Shantanu Dey, in his class yesterday said that while the average Calcuttan’s work ethic for non-monetary gains is phenomenal, he absolutely loathes working for money. I can see what he means. But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???!!

Regret

December 3, 2009

Face flushed, he strode back to his apartment. He was stricken by the unfairness of it all. Indignation welled up inside him and forced him to take a detour to the lonely seaside. The beach had always calmed him during his stormy fits of anger. And now his raging soul needed all the calming it could get. He took a deep breath and let out an almighty shout, an anguished shout pointed at the heavens.

As he let his eyes settle on the smooth undulations of the sea glittering in the afternoon sun, and onto the pitted sandy beach, he heard his shout echoed by another man standing some way off.

“Feh, another pathetic soul venting against his fate”, he thought. Much to his surprise, the man turned and headed his way.

For the first time, our young man got a proper look at his compatriot. He couldn’t have been more than two years older, yet he had the lined, worn look of a man who had suffered much.

“Can I talk to you? I need to tell my story to someone”, said the older man. Having nothing better to do, the youngster settled down on the sandy beach and began to listen to the older man’s discourse.

“I am a writer”, he said, making himself comfortable. “I write romantic plays for a performing troupe. I fell in love with the lead actress of the play”, he narrated. “Her skin was white as alabaster and she was graceful as a deer. Her eyes were hazel brown and her hair was coal on the wintry snow. I was besotted by her beauty.”

“Pathetic fool”, thought our protagonist, his thoughts flashing back to the empty apartment he had paid visit to earlier in the afternoon. “A beautiful woman is always trouble, especially when she is an actress”.

“Of course, I had not the courage to tell her straight”, said the writer. “The lead actor of the troupe was a dashing young man who made it very clear that he had a thing for her. But I had the measure of the guy. I knew that he was a drunkard and a womanizer, and that he was already having an affair with one of our supporting actresses. And much to my horror, my love seemed as smitten with him as I was with her.”

The younger man was fidgeting with his bare ring finger, not much interested in what was turning out to be a common story of failed love. He wished he hadn’t given away that beautiful swan-enamelled ring in a night of hot passion.

“As with most men of his station, he used my love and tossed her away like a rag”, the writer continued. “She stopped acting and stayed indoors. I kept paying her visit, offering my shoulder to cry on. The unfairness made me seethe, and I vowed inwardly to avenge her.”

The afternoon sky had darkened to a quiet dusk as the older man proceeded. “I subverted the supporting actress of the troupe, the wench he was having an affair with. I poisoned her mind against him. In less than a week, the man was a corpse at her doorstep.”

Our good listener, whose mind was wandering back to the perfumed note he had read in the afternoon, bidding him farewell without giving any reason, was jerked back into the present. Here was a man with a story more miserable than his own. “But what of your lovely lady”, he asked. “Surely, you gained the favour of the woman you sought to avenge?”

“Ah, my friend, if only that were true. Allow me to proceed.” The writer paused to reflect a moment. “My secret was not safe. I had to seal my accomplice’s mouth somehow. I called the wench over to my love’s place, where I spent most of my time. I told her more lies. I tried to make her too guilty to ever tell another soul what had transpired. I am not proud of what I have done.”

The listener was by now riveted by the morbid tale. The narrator continued, “we were overheard by my love. In a mad fury at having her lover murdered, my love picked up a kitchen knife and stabbed the wench repeatedly in the chest. She stood there, a bloodstained, vengeful goddess of destruction as I watched mutely in horror. She then broke down. Shattered, she told me that she had fallen in love again, and that she was grateful to me. She insisted that she pay the penance of her crime, and went silently to her fate.”

“She left me this golden ring”, he said, fingering a yellow band on his right ring finger. “She told me it belonged to the one that stole her heart. She wanted me to keep it so that no suspicion would befall him.”

“I am sorry for you”, said the listener. “I wish I could -”, he broke off suddenly in horror. For glittering on the ring was a blue enamel swan.

The universal principle

November 24, 2009

Every person is different (Generic and rather unpromising start to a post, but hey, I’m not perfect). People disagree all the time on things citing “difference of opinion”. Arguments have two requirements; firstly, a subject which we judge, and secondly, a parameter by which we judge a subject. For example, the argument “Sidney Sheldon’s books are interesting” has the subject “Sidney Sheldon’s books” and the parameter “interesting-ness”. Alternatively the parameter could be a comparison. “Led Zeppelin were better than The Who” is an argument where “Led Zeppelin” is the subject and “better that The Who” is the comparative parameter.

One interesting thing that I found is that unless there is some enormous social pressure and/or factual evidence in the contrary, there are always takers for both sides of the argument. For instance, nobody will say “Adolf Hitler was a humanitarian”, because Auschwitz proves otherwise – factual evidence. No one, similarly, will say “Himesh Reshamiya sings well”  because people will think that he/she is gay – societal pressure. But just say something like “Nirvana was the best grunge metal band”, or “Kubrick’s movies are usually boring” and you will have a bunch of people lining up to sock you in the nose. And a similarly motley crew ready to take up your case.

Its a common stereotype among men that all women find Brad Pitt attractive. Or do they? I felt that there will be proponents for each side of the argument. For testing my theory I asked four of my female friends for their opinions on Brad Pitt. One of them found him to be hot, one said not, and two said “eh, whatever”.

So we’ve established that that paragon of male hotness, Brad Pitt is not universally hot either. Hotness as such is not a universally uniform parameter. Neither is goodness of music, or painting, or architecture, or food. Otherwise, all critics will have to find a new job. Even that pantheon of logic “smartness” is not proof to the vagaries of opinion (Simple, was Napoleon smart?). Is there some parameter that is?

As a matter of fact, there is.

One thing common to all humans, nay all mammals, is a maternal protective instinct of the young. Any being that is small, and subscribes to a certain physical pattern (small body, big head, big eyes) showing vulnerability sparks this instinct. The quality we ascribe to this is called “cuteness”.

Take, say a lion cub. Or a human baby. Or even a teddy bear. While they may not appeal to all in the same way, you can be sure that everyone identifies these beings as “cute”. (Note: Because not all people like cute, we get phrases like “annoyingly cute” and “painfully cute”).

*Exceptions? There are people who call snakes and lizards cute. Not commonly agreed with, indeed. The difference I believe lies in either their stronger maternal drive or their particular love (for whatever reason) for the reptilian species. Their maternal instinct is so strong infact, that it surpasses the evolutionary distance between reptiles and mammals.

The elusive universal parameter is “cuteness”. I sorta feel dissatisfied.

On good food, fast cars and a beautiful scenery

November 24, 2009

How many times has your life flashed in front of you eyes? If you have lived a normal life, I guess never. If you have lived a very interesting life, a few times maybe. If you lived in the army, then dozens of times atleast.

Ever since I came to Calcutta, my life has been playing in rewind at 3x speed non-stop in front of my eyes.

If you have ever lived in a hostel and subsisted on the culinary offerings of the mess, then you would be aware that there is a watershed week. A week where the mess food magically metamorphosizes from being midway edible to, well, being mess food. The first two days of the week are hard to distinguish from any other day of any other week. The next two days see you losing your appetite. The appetite tails off on the fifth and sixth day, and by the beginning of the next week, you are officially or unofficially out of the mess.

For me, it was a watershed day. No a watershed meal. One fine day, I nibbled at something, and felt my life flash in front of my eyes. Then went to my room and puked what looked like a month’s worth of food. Never returned to the mess.

Every time you leave the campus and enter the streets of Calcutta, you are placing your future in the hands of your guardian angel. Mine seems to be working overtime. I have had around 17 near misses since I came here.

Let me explain. I am not particularly clumsy. No indeed, I am actually quite fit, sharp and have a good sense of balance in general. Its the philosophy of traffic in Calcutta, which is quite different from anywhere else in the world.

In the rest of the world, traffic follows rigid guidelines set after decades of experimentation and mistakes. A solid mechanistic structure of order. In the rest of India, traffic flow is organic and follows two rules; Firstly, move in the general direction you want to reach and secondly, do not hit anything, living or otherwise. Calcutta’s traffic has a different rulebook. Firstly, you move into any, I repeat, ANY open gap that you find. Secondly, try not to hit anybody bigger than you. Finally, if you hit someone smaller than you, shout at him/her in Bengali till he/she shrinks away. Bangla being such an expressive language, this last mentioned is by no means a problem.

Coconut trees are beautiful additions to the scenery. In the sunset, they provide an aura of tropical laziness to the silhouette of the horizon. A must have in any part of the world where the climate can support it.

There is a rule to the planting of coconut trees though.  Keep them away from the roads. Unfortunately, this has been often ignored in India. You see, any child will tell you that coconuts are heavy. Any child will tell you that coconut trees are tall. Any child will tell you that when heavy things fall from tall places, you better stay away. This robust commonsense err… struck me a few weeks back when I was very nearly… ah… beaned, by a particularly impressive specimen which left a rather remarkable dent on the gravel where it fell.

Since I came here, I have been hit by cars, attacked by cats during class, had fishes thrown at me by crows, stuck my finger into a pedestal fan (!), and fallen impossibly ill several times. I love this place.

Scamp

November 16, 2009

I was dining with a friend at Dominos Pizza a couple of weeks back. It was a posh locality with big houses, clean roads and BMWs. The two of us had just been offered jobs at different banks and were jubilant. Taking a seat at the corner of the restaurant, we raised a toast to our success and all the truckloads of money that we were going to earn. As we were about to take our first bite of pizza, I spied a face pressed against the glass wall with a longing look in its eyes. A young scamp, barely five years old, dirty and wearing only his tattered trousers was peering back at me with piteous eyes. My heart leaped into my mouth. For a minute I saw my little brother’s face instead of the young chap’s, and do you know what I did then?

I am ashamed to say that I did absolutely nothing. I had not the gall nor the heart to go outside, call the lad in and tell him to eat with us. I wonder what I was scared of then. Was it that the guard would turn the lad out? Or that the management would “respectfully” ask us to clear out? Or was it fear of disapproval from the rest of the customers? Either way, I acted like the pathetic pawn of society I was.

I finished my dinner, paid and sick with guilt, I walked upto the scamp and gave him a twenty rupee note. The child looked at me as if I was some kind of god, and I writhed under that look. What a pathetic coward I was. What have I taught that child? That he does not deserve to eat with all the well-dressed people inside? Just to soothe my conscience, I dropped him some change. Does that make me any better than any other person inside who didn’t even turn to face him? How can I expect him to have any kind of faith in humanity? How I wish I had brought him inside and told him, “See these things? You can have all that you like everyday if you study hard and work hard for your family”. But I can only wish now, because due to my cowardice, I didn’t.

One day, I hope I will have the courage to invite that young lad inside and get him to dine with us. Till then, this post will be just another piece of hypocrisy.

A dash of song, A pinch of dance

November 15, 2009

“If you can talk, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance” – Zimbabwean Proverb

Anthropologists keep searching for evidence of art in ancient civilization by digging into caves and coming up with rudimentary depictions of hunts and whatnot. Sure, they are all significant discoveries. But I would hazard a rather wilder claim. I say that art came into existence on the very same day an ape decided to stand on two legs, catch some air, grow some brains and become H.Habilis.

Yes, I feel archaeologists are looking for the wrong form of art. The steady drip of water from the stalactites to stalagmites provided rhythm, water dripping into hollows provided tone, birds and animals must have provided a veritable orchestra of sounds, and all that was left for man to do was to vocalize and shuffle his feet and hands in sync with the percussion.

Yes this is bullcrap bogus pseudo-paleontology. My point is that it does not take pHd in music to appreciate song and dance. Every child is born with the ability to sing and dance. Sing and dance badly, maybe, but so what? As long as you retain the primal ability to enjoy music you are an artist. So next you see someone listening to Backstreet Boys and humming along, do not scoff. All that it takes to enjoy a tune is a bit of joy.

Sadly, the conclusion of my argument is that ABBA produced legitimate music too. Ah, what the hell.

I hate crows

November 15, 2009

A well known B-school in eastern India has a problem in the air. It is black, feathered, raucous and there are two million billion of them at any time in the campus.

I think no one who hasn’t yet visited IIM Calcutta can quite grasp the sheer obnoxiousness of the cursed vermin. Sample this. Its 4 in the morning, and after a hectic day/night/day, I turn in… or not. The racket is deafening as all the miserable beasts in a 2 mile radius choose this very instant to break into song. I don’t grudge a person, and by corollary a bird, the right to break into a song at any point of the day. Indeed, I often burst into song and dance for no reason at all at the oddest of hours. But, please… dont go offbeat in a chorus!

Oh yes, they also crap on you all the time. But I found it quite funny when the clueless visiting IIM Bangalore sports team were bombarded with flying shit, much to their panic. Us experienced crow-dodgers were completely unscathed while we jeered the poor jaded visitors who managed to get pooped on twice, or even thrice in the course of a short walk.

And while I’m at it, I’m going to rant about a bunch of other things.

Women on a treadmill are the equivalent of a slow car on the fast lane. <disclaimer ahead> Not all women of course. </disclaimer> I know of atleast one woman who is crazily fit and strong. But on the whole, the gym is wasted on women, especially middle aged ones. Its especially annoying when an oldish woman wearing tights (ugh!) WALKS on the treadmill, doing approximately 1.5 miles to the hour puffing and sweating, but going at it for an hour at a time. I fully sympathize with the fact that they cannot go any faster. In fact to cure that, I suggest wiring the treadmill to a 300V power supply that shocks the pathetic lumps who cannot shift their ass fast enough. Nothing like motivation to get someone moving. I would pay to watch.

When god decided that people were to be punished for stealing apples from his garden, what do you think he created? Buses. They come in all manner of shapes and sizes, but they all share one thing. They stink. I don’t know which I hate more, having to wait for an hour to catch a bus that goes my way, getting on to it to find that I am on the verge of being squeezed right into an obese woman’s butt, or the atrocious smell that emanates presumably from the said butt. No wait, scratch that, thats an easy one. Can you imagine what hell would smell like? Well you don’t have to, just get into an Indian bus.

Professors trying to be funny or interesting. Or in general, old people trying to be funny or interesting. Because they are not. Not ever. Infact, they are so unfunny that in a way, they are hilarious. The awkward pauses after a prof cracks a poor joke and the polite laughter that follows… why do they even bother? Of course, over the course of time, most profs get used to the fact that they are old and stop trying to be funny. Some develop a dedicated ass-licking clique that keeps their ego supplied with applause and adulation. Some idiots, though, never learn (cough..ramna..cough cough).

Well that is what I would have said on the morning of two days ago. Since then events have forced me to change my views on this particular matter. I think I found an interesting prof! And on that bright note, I shall end my first post in ages.

March 27, 2009

My first jab at fiction. It’s probably crap.

Winters are always cold at Sparseford Manor. By the time September breaks out of its august shell, the glades are already blanketed with a pristine white.  Yet this is not the warm cold that one feels as he awaits Christmas in front of a crackling fire in the company of good friend, while watching the outdoors through frost-covered windows. Rather, it is a bone-chilling wintriness, epitomized by the solitary oak on the grounds, which, while in summer was actually quite magnificent, is reduced to a blackened, skeletal state by the biting chill and the cruel frost. Every patch of green is greedily swallowed up by the ever-spreading alabaster beast of winter.

Sir Pritchard Greaves, the incumbent Lord of Sparseford, was a tall, dignified man in his middling forties. As always, he was immaculately dressed in a black waistcoat, an impeccably pressed white shirt, and his Oxford tie. His thin face and high cheekbones gave him the look of an intellectual, while his heavy brows and perpetual frown left one with the feeling that he was perpetually preoccupied with matters of grave importance. Indeed, a large part of his working career was spent rubbing shoulders with the great intellects of the Royal Air Force, crafting the events that today form the greater part of our historical textbooks. Apart from his household staff of two young housemaids, an old gardener and the chauffeur, he shared the one hundred and twenty eight rooms of Sparseford Manor only with his daughter Eve.

All of twelve years old, Eve was already showing signs of becoming a great beauty, what with her shining golden hair, flawless skin, perfect white teeth and captivating blue eyes. The people of the adjoining village of High Weald always remarked that she was becoming more and more like her late mother, a famed actress who had passed away when Eve was three.  She, Eve, was the apple of Sir P’s eye, to the extent that in all her life, he had never so much as raised his voice against her. She was well-mannered and liked by all in the village, which was quite unusual in a girl of such high breeding.

The gardener was an old man who had been working at the manor since the days of Sir P’s father. Age was taking its toll on his vitality and he was going quite deaf in his right ear, but his gardening remained as irreproachable as ever, and his discretion was something that bankers in Zurich could learn from. The two housemaids were the daughters of the previous housemaid, a plump old matron whose efficiency had made her the envy of every household in the countryside. Before she passed away, she had drilled into her two daughters all the skills necessary to make a good homekeeper. Now, they were given the duty of keeping the house in shape, and on occasion, acting as nannies to Eve. The older girl, Martha was also given the job of cook of the household. They had grown fond of the little girl and treated her as another sister. The chauffeur was a military man, a former Seargent of the Royal Armed Forces. He had found out at his own expense that too much of anything, even honesty, could harm. He had ignominiously been given the boot on trumped up charges. Sir Pritchard heard of his situation from a former colleague of his, and finding him to be a man of unshakeable loyalty, employed him on the spot.

Sir Pritchard Greaves was gazing out of the french windows with his brow furrowed. “Martha! Susan!”, he called. The housemaids hurried into his presence. “We are having guests. Mr. and Mrs. Cassock are staying with us for a few days.”

Gilbert Cassock was an adviser to the national defense staff during the previous leadership. Quite prudently, he had hedged his position against a lordship while his colleagues were scrambling for promotions. When the reign changed, the bulk of them were demoted, suspended or worse as a part of the backlash against the controversial policies of the predecessor. But the peculiarities of the state are such that a lordship granted by the state cannot be taken away by the state. And hence Sir Gilbert Cassock had a comfortable income and a manor at Redwood-on-Sea while his more ambitious colleagues were left penniless.

After retirement, Sir Gilbert had married a shrew of a woman, who was neither beautiful nor rich nor cultured. Indeed, it was quite a surprise for many when they read that the distinguished Lord of Redwood was engaged to Catherine Tepplet, background unknown (or perhaps not mentioned by design), and even more of a shock when they saw the goods first hand. Short, stout, whiny and possessing a face that showed no intelligence but remarkable cunning, Sir Pritchard had taken an aversion to her at first sight. Sir Gilbert’s life slid from one of happy bachelorhood to one of gloom and misery, punctuated by occasional bouts of manic drinking. Sir Pritchard felt sorry for his old friend and left an open invitation to Sparseford Manor at any time, which he gratefully took advantage of every year. This year would have been the same, and his life would have been pleasant for a week or two but for Catherine insisting she be taken along this time.

It was five in the evening, but apparently the sun didn’t think so. It was one of those dreary winter days in which all time tumbled over itself, in which you could not see five in the morning for five in the evening. The lacklustre sun seemed to be up at all time, but in short supply of light and radiance. Eve, wrapped in a warm muffler and gloves was playing in the snow along with Susan. A motorcar pulled up through the driveway, which was neatly shovelled by Henry, the old gardener, and stopped by the house. A tall, haggard-looking old man got off the car followed by a dumpy, irritable woman wearing a flashy pink parka. Eve approached them and upon recognizing Sir Gilbert, ran up to him in delight, for the little girl loved the old man like an uncle. In doing so, she accidentally splashed a small puddle onto Catherine’s clothes. “What a nasty brute!”, exclaimed the shrew, and raised her hand to hit the her on her face. The little girl cringed and ran away.

Sir Pritchard exited the house just then and found the shrew fuming and his friend looking miserable. Spotting him, Catherine immediately put on an unctuous tone and in her nasal way said, “Thank you for having us over Sir Pritchard. Gilbert was telling me that it was rude for me to impose upon you, but I said that you would not mind having a friend’s wife over. I can’t imagine what was going on in Gilbert’s – oh! is that Honeysuckle? The nectar is so good for my rheumatism…” She pranced off toward the greenhouse, trodding on several flowers and happily ignoring the sign that said ‘no plucking’. Sir Gilbert turned wearily to Sir Pritchard. “Dashed menace she is. Pour me a brandy old chap, I have been cooped up with that thing for five hours now.”

Dinner was a sordid affair. The food was excellent as usual, but Catherine would not stop talking about the “amazing housekeeper at the Shamrock Residence” and how “cooks these days do not have a shred of loyalty and gratitude in them”, while Martha was waiting on them all the while. The rest of the company gave up on making any conversation, and simply concentrated on finishing their food in the shortest possible time. Sir Pritchard and Sir Gilbert then retired into the game room for a spot of brandy and some billiards, while Catherine went up to her room.

The next day was no better. At five in the morning, she commandeered Percy, the chauffeur (“She was shaking the damned door of its hinges, the vile old bat”, Percy was to recount) and spent half an hour lecturing him on sloth and how if he were in her employ, she would make him sleep in the open. Then she ordered him to drive her around all day, indulging her every whim, all the while commenting on his ‘piss-poor driving’. She constantly ridiculed the good Seargant’s military service, making some very personal and outrageous statements indeed, all while taking swigs from her canteen of what smelled suspiciously like the finest scotch from the cellars of Sparseford Manor. By the time they returned to the manor, it was eight in the evening, and Percy’s patience was stretched to it’s limit.

The next morning at six o’ clock, the entire household was awoken by a panicked scream. When Sir Pritchard and Sir Gilbert rushed out to see what the problem was, the saw Catherine was sputtering in rage at a distraught Susan.

“Tha.. That nasty little scoundrel… My emerald brooch.. i-its gone, and she took it, I’m sure! “

“Now, now Cathy, lets not jump to conclusions…”, started Sir Gilbert, but was immediately silenced by renewed hysterics. It was three hours before he could convince her that she may have misplaced it somewhere, and start a search of the mansion.

They split up into two groups. Sir Pritchard took Henry, Percy and Martha to search the west wing, while Sir Gilbert, Cathy, Eve and Susan took the east wing.

“I will search alone. I don’t need anyone, least of all this thieving little minx to help me search”, spat the shrew, shooting a vicious look at the young housemaid and stalked away.

The black gravel wound sinuously across the sheer white of the vale. The lone tree set against the backdrop of the virgin white expanse set off unbidden thoughts in Catherine’s mind, as she found herself at the top of the east wing tower. Leaning over the low, frost-covered railing, she reflected.

“These stupid people, they think they are all better than me, just because they have their money and their ‘class’, the snobbish pricks. I wasn’t always like this either. I too had money, a rich father, nice clothes and all the love in the world.”, she thought. “I too was once pretty, young and well-loved, just like the little one in this house. If it weren’t for…”, she shuddered, as a fat, cold pair of hands from her past slid across her young, smooth skin. “If it weren’t for that beast, I probably would have stayed that way.” A gleam entered her eyes. “But I got him good, didn’t I? He didn’t know it was coming. And when he did, it was too late, wasn’t it? He ended up real dead”, she smiled savagely, the image of her uncle laying sprawled on the ground flashing before her eyes. She gazed down at the road winding through the pristine snow.  “I must be imagining things, or is that road a little closer than before? No, its coming closer. And what the dickens is this draft? “. And then all she saw was white.

Inspector Drake of the High Weald police office was fairly certain that it could not have been foul play.   After all, the railings were low, and the floor was slippery from all the melted frost. And the people in the house were all respectable law-abiding citizens. Also, the household helps were trusted folk who had been serving at Sparseford Manor loyally for years. It was unthinkable that anyone from the house had even thought of committing such an atrocious deed. As he looked around at the solemn faces in the room, his conviction that this particular case was not a crime was only strengthened. As he bent down to stamp the file and close the case, he did not witness the beautiful, blond-haired face twist into an evil grin.


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