A letter

A couple of years back, I watched 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich which was described as “sheer, cynical, mind-numbing, time-wasting, money-draining, soul-sucking stupidity”. The premise is that the world is ending and the only people who will be saved are those who are privileged enough to get tickets to an ark of salvation. It inspired me to write this equally crappy piece. All I did was close my eyes and imagine I was your run-of-the mill neta.

Dear Sir,

I am a common man. I don’t have billions of euros or a perfect genetic structure or an IQ of 200. I am not even a rare endangered two-toed sloth, though my people sometimes accuse me of acting like one. I want a place on that ark of yours.  If you will spare me five minutes of your time, I will forever be indebted to you. With you blessings, I will launch into a description of myself.

My name is ******. I am 71 years old. I live in India. I am moderately bright. I must be, to have been able to uncover your top secret plan. I suffer from partial deafness and cannot see anything further than 3 meters away. My parents are dead, may their souls rest in peace, and I am alone in this world. I am restricted to a wheelchair due to an unfortunate accident in my youth.

I know that I am not making a strong case for myself. I will hence try to sell myself to you till you accept me. Ever since I could read, great leaders have told me that I was the future of the nation. That I would shape how the world moved. That the entire nation would move in accordance with my interests. At some point I realized how bogus all this was. I learnt that no single individual is of any significance, and the only people with any power were those who could move large masses of people in any direction they wished.

When I was 20, I joined the cadre of a local political party. Unlike your country, (I happen to know that your esteemed self hails from the United States of America) my nation has vast multitudes of political parties. In fact, I suspect we have more parties than several small countries have citizens. I was energetic and passionate and wanted to improve the lot of my people. My mentor, bless his soul, was a wise man and marshaled his resources cunningly. I was sent to several villages to gather the support for our movement. I was arrested for inciting rebellion.

While I was cooling my heels in prison, I realized that I could use my charisma in other ways. Once I got out of jail, I used my mentor’s contacts to get me a starring role in a movie. Of course, neither am I by any means a good actor, nor am I great-looking, but all that counts for naught in my country. I grabbed the hearts of the fair maidens of the country and the admiration of the strong men. Unfortunately, a casual dalliance with a co-star of mine who turned out be a gangster’s moll in real life (and not only in the movie) and the succeeding retribution left me in the unfortunate state I am in now.

I took this as an opportunity, and riding on a massive sympathy wave, competed in and overwhelmingly won the elections the following year. Back into my home ground of politics, I ruled for 35 years in the state I was born in. In the process, I have been accused many times of corruption, nepotism and blackmail, but I quashed these accusaitions through clever politicking and judicious use of force.

I put forward that your new world needs me. After you build the new country for the survivors, you need a government. I believe that I could be the face of this government. Surely, you lot are rolling on the floor laughing now. But pause a minute to consider. What is the main purpose of a country, a government? Do you think its administration? Or legislation? Or could it be reforms?

Wrong. It is to unite the people. If  a country like yours with a mere 300 million people (no offence meant sir) can be split into two highly polarized groups, imagine the state in my country with more than a billion people and hundreds of castes and languages. How about just my state with 65 million and 50 different castes? How do you think I keep them unified? By playing the universal bad guy. Everyone hates me, hence they are united.

I can offer you the same services. I will be the shadowy figure or the bungling clown, whichever you will have me be. I will be the galvanizing force for your ragtag assortment of survivors. I will play the villain to the hilt. I will take on this thankless job for the price of a ticket to salvation. Please think about it. It really isn’t a bad bargain. I would take it.

Hoping this will find you in good health,

Baloo Prasad Jhadav, M.L.A.

Advertisement